So you like Horror Movies then.

No not really...

(ha, as if)

Popping that Cherry

I have never done this before, so I’m quite excited. I seem to spend most of my life doing the three C’s (Complaining, Comparing and Critiquing) so I figure I’m about as qualified as the next person to do it. I’ll mostly be reviewing the movies and shows etc that I’ve seen recently, while touching on a few aspects of my life and others that I find to be of interest. Be warned, spoilers and rants will be a prominent feature in the majority of my writing, so if that bothers you I suggest you turn away now.

The Narcissistic part

I guess I should begin with a little bit about myself. I’m 21 years old (going on 40), born and bred in London where I have lived my entire life. I have an unhealthy passion for films, television, comics and basketball. My other interests include football, drawing (which I have just recently started again), video games, music and reading. I speak no other languages than English. My Mother is Jewish when it suits her and my Father is an angry Agnostic. I am not religious, although I guess technically I was born Jewish if I/you believed that Judaism is passed down through my mothers bloodline, or I/you just believed in a higher power in general. I do not currently have a girlfriend but I’ll still probably drop my ideas on relationships and begin complaining when I do eventually get off my ass and find a suitable lady friend. I believe that I am a highly motivated worker, and once I start something I find it very difficult to leave it alone until its done. That being said I am incessantly lazy, so starting that motivated hardcore work is usually the problem. It’s okay, in my mind I’m lazy to just about the right point. Not too lazy, but not lazy enough (one of many contradictions in my life). I am currently studying film at University, so I get to watch a shed load of movies I might not normally watch and make a couple as well. IMDB is my best friend. I used to have dreams of one day becoming a famous Director, but I am now wise enough to be able to distinguish the difference between fame and success. While I would still love to direct I am finding myself falling in love with the idea of being a writer, both of which will probably have my parents grumbling in ten years that they didn’t have a son who wanted to be a lawyer or some other stereotypically rich profession. Neither looks to have a bright future (at the moment anyway) as everything I’ve written has gone pretty much unviewed, and all 3 films I’ve made so far have been pretty substandard. Onwards I march in defiance of failure. I also work in retail on the weekends (Boo!). This is beginning to sound like a CV so I’ll cut it short here as I’m sure you’ll learn more reading this and anything else. Oh, I have one cat as well.

Fire!!!!!!1!1!1!!!!>!?

This comes about two weeks too late but I need to know I’m not the only one that is reduced to a state of rage when these bloody smoke alarm adverts come out around Christmas time. Because Christmas time is apparently the only time in the year the government can be bothered to tell us how to survive a fire. Right. The latest one featuring Julie Walters is particularly annoying. It features Julie standing in the middle of the screen telling me that if I don’t want to wake up with my house on fire I will check my smoke alarm immediately. Fine, acceptable in my mind. But do you have to be such a bitch about it? I mean really, is saying “Do you want to wake up with your house on fire? Go on, pull your finger out” like an angry grandparent with a really smug face the only way they could think of getting people to check some batteries. And also, she’s very clearly standing in a kitchen that has BURNT DOWN! Talk about hypocritical. You can try telling me that because she’s okay and not burnt herself that she had her smoke alarm on and was able to escape the fire unharmed but I don’t believe it. It’s clearly just them using Walters so that people go “Oh look a famous person is talking to me so I must obey”. And even if your argument is right, she’s an idiot for ignoring all the health and safety violations that come with re-entering a burnt down house to film an advert. So Nurgh. Dumbest (and rudest) adverts (they managed to edit the same footage into about 5 different versions) I have seen in ages.

Lets-Go-Retro!

My first review is not really a recent film (released in 2007) or even a review. A
saw it for free a couple of days before it was released to the general public, and I came out in a state of apoplexy (most pretentious word I could find). This film ruined my life for a whole week. I am talking about Spiderman 3.

Let me put my pain in context for you. I love Spiderman, I’ve read the comics since I was a child and have always enjoyed the vibrant characters and variety of stories he’s been involved in. Peter (Parker, but we’re on first name terms) is without a doubt my favorite Superhero. I also love Sam Raimi. I adore the Evil Dead trilogy and its not just because I’m a Bruce Campbell fan. I really thought they were fun, scary horror movies. When he made Spiderman 1 I was especially excited. One of my favorite Directors making a movie about my favorite Superhero. That has to be a recipe for success. And it was okay. The screwed up with the Green Goblins outfit, it was a bit melodramatic but I enjoyed watching it. Not great, very camp but okay.

I went into Spiderman 2 and came out blown away. It’s actually in my top 10 films of all time, and I would not hesitate to call it a great film. It doesn’t even matter if you look at it as a Spidey fan (Alfred Molina’s portrayal of Doc Ock was actually awesome) or a film buff (Some of the best cinematography I’ve seen) it is a great film, and arguably the best of its genre. But Spiderman 3 really upset me, from when I started reading rumors of its production to the moment I left the cinema with my friends and listened to people who don’t even read the comics tell me why the film sucked.

Was it too many villains for one film? Was it the awful ret-con back story they gave the Sandman to make him more “human”? Was it because they managed to make one of the scariest Spiderman villains (Venom) into something that was less scary then the jazz loving, tap dancing symbiote Spiderman? Arguments could be made for all of those reasons but in my opinion it really comes down to a couple of things, the first of which is Kirsten Dunst. Not a fan of this casting. Mary Jane is meant to be sexy as hell, Dunst is just…cute. She doesn’t ooze attractiveness. Tobey Maguire’s portrayal of Peter Parker has been awkward and clumsy since the first film, and that’s fine. Its those qualities that make it so you can’t believe he’s dating someone as hot as Mary Jane, which I felt was badly lacking from the movie.

The fact that it took them 3 movies to involve Gwen Stacey is just a tragedy. Peter’s original love who died during a fight during him and the Green Goblin should really have been in the first, before they ever thought of bringing in Mary Jane. But no, they just switched their comic book origins around and thought everything would be okay. I personally think Bryce Dallas Howard is hotter than Dunst as well, and I think she’s a natural red head. Hmmm. I wont get into how badly they failed with the villains and their characterization, but I will say that Thomas Haden Church was fantastic but Topher Grace was a poor choice.

The story wasn’t bad, the idea of Spiderman picking up an alien suit that takes him over and drags him towards a darker side, getting rid of that suit and then fighting someone else who picks up the suit and another dude made of sand. That’s not a bad idea. If only they had stuck to it. Raimi seems to think that Spidey dealing with his “Darker” side includes him dancing down the street, dying his hair and acting like a rebellious teenager.

Both of the villains are weedy and not scary. None of the fights seem to come to anything, especially the final one where Sandman ends up floating away into the sunrise (Literally). Visually it looks fine, not as impressive as the previous one, but like I said that film is great.

Spiderman 3 just ended up being mediocre, probably ranked behind the first for last place in the Spiderman movie ranking chart I just made up in my mind. I can imagine if you enjoyed the first two you will enjoy this, but as a fan of both the movies and the comics I felt bombarded with the wrongness of it all. Wrongness I tell you! 2/5 stars.

Something more contemporary…

Saw a couple of really good films that are worth a quick review…

Los Cronocrímenes

Time Crimes is a Spanish film directed by (and also starring) Nacho Vigalondo. The story is a little difficult to describe without completely ruining both major twists, but you can expect time travel, a crazy man with bandages wrapped around his face and some pretty solid acting. The story seems really simple, which it is for the first half. About 20 minutes in I was about to tell my friend that I had figured it all out and how clever I was, but then it started to get complicated. I’m still not sure I entirely understand the ending, I mean I get what happened, but I felt like I wanted to see just a few moments more with some of the characters. Kudos for having a fat middle aged guy as the films main protagonist, worked really well with the small supporting cast of 3 others. 4/5 in my books, but don’t be fooled by those that claim this to be a horror film, its not.

La Antena

Another foreign film, this time from Argentina. This is by far the most original film I have seen in such a long time. The only way I can describe this dark fairy story of a city that’s had its voice stolen by an evil tyrant is like watching Sin City on magic mushrooms if Sin City was a black and white silent movie filmed in a German expressionist style, slanted walls galore with shades of Noir thrown in for good measure. It really does feel like a pop-up children’s book and is visually stunning. I mean really, even with a low budget (By Hollywood standards anyway) the flying fat suits, man with a TV for a mouth and even the blind kid with no eyes look really striking. This is definitely not for everyone, but if you love films or fairytales then I’d really recommend it. Unless you cant handle subtitles, but then you don’t deserve to watch movies. 4/5 again me thinks, missing out on 5 because there’s some heavy symbolism used towards the end with a swastika and a star of David that really felt unnecessary to me.

Mum & Dad

A home grown horror movie from here in the UK, Mum & Dad is one of the slowest and most painful to watch movies I’ve ever had to sit through. And that is in no way a bad thing. The story is of a girl who works at Heathrow who gets kidnapped by a family of psycho’s and needs to escape before she becomes part of the family. Perry Benson and Dido Miles as Dad and Mum respectively are seriously scary and easily two of the best psychos in a film since Christian Bale was running around killing people in American Psycho. Olga Fedori is fantastic as the kidnapped girl, and she really plays the scared role well. It brings me back to the slow and painful part, you really feel while watching it like your in the room with her, watching everything that happens to her and the pain she’s going through. It’s such a rare thing in these torture movies, and its where films like Hostel and its sequel went wrong, because I just didn’t care about all the guys and girls that died in those films. In this I felt every cut and tear. And who doesn’t want to see an old man have sex with a girls heart. 4/5 easily.

Also for your consideration…

My Name is Bruce

A must if you’re a Bruce Campbell fan. A town comes under attack from the ancient Chinese god of bean curd Guan Di, so one of the children takes it upon himself to kidnap Bruce Campbell to save their homes. It’s all one big in joke, if you’ve seen Bruce’s movies you’ll laugh most of the way through. He’s made a career of being in bad movies with crap monsters and coming out of them as the only good thing, and that’s the joke. I guarantee it will be exactly what you would expect, and that’s not really a bad thing.

The Midnight Meat Train

Another horror film, this one is about a train with a crazy guy who murders people who get on it. A reporter finds out, does some reporting, and gets a little bit too close to his subject. Some good acting, Vinnie Jones is great (when he doesn’t speak) and I liked the pacing of it all. Some good little fights and some nice kills. I really enjoyed watching it, except for the fact that it has the worst ending. Ever. Seriously, I was expecting a final battle, someone dies, we all go home, something creeps out of the ashes or whatever to set up for a sequel. Instead you get this weird fantasy ending that didn’t fit at all. I felt liked I just watched two different films, one very decent horror and one awful monster story. Worth it except for the last 10 minutes (Even if it does answer some questions).

Religulous

A documentary on the danger of Religion bought to you by stand up comedian Bill Maher. This is a movie I’ll probably do a longer review for later, as I’m learning about Documentaries at the moment and I’m interested in writing about them. It’s very funny, as he basically goes around interviewing people of faith and asking them about their religion. Except he doesn’t really interview anyone, he just stands there and mocks them. Literally everyone they interviewed knew less about their religion then he did. Some of them were really random like singing Jesus, an “ex-gay” Christian who helps newly reformed “heterosexuals” purge their “gayness” and a Catholic at the Vatican who doesn’t seem to have faith in anything anymore. It’s not as much propaganda as say something like Zeitgeist but its not a documentary that is trying to be informative. Take it as a chance to see the hypocrisy and flaws of modern day religion and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Square Eyes

There is nothing good on TV at the moment. I say that, there probably is, but there is NOTHING that has caught my fancy. Dexter and Entourage have both just finished their seasons. Heroes and Family Guy are on hiatus for the moment. I still have The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother, but that’s not enough. Luckily Lost returns this week and I could not be more excited. Season one was awesome, I actually had Lost parties where all my friends would come around and we’d watch it all together, then discuss it like there was never going to be another episode. Season 2 was just okay though, then when it went to Sky I just gave up. What a mistake. It took one of my friends lie 4 months to convince me to watch Season 3 and when I did it was just like wow! I completely fell in love with it again. Then Season 4 literally blew my mind. I’m serious. That is probably up there with The Wire (A show I will be writing a lot about) as some of the best TV ever. It really was that good. Again, its something I’ll revisit later, but its new season is definitely something I’d recommend make time for. Heroes returns early next month, and I’m sure I’ll find the time to tell you why it upsets me the more I watch it later. It’s not the best time of year for a weekly television review section, but we’ll see how it goes.

And so it ends…

I’ve rambled on, and this all sounds a bit mish mash for my liking. Hopefully future entries will be better planned, and I’ll always be able to keep it varied and interesting. Think of it like a relationship. We’ll start falling madly in love, have some good years together and then probably end up never speaking and avoiding each other on the street. As is life…

Peace,

Joe

We're BACK!

Sorry for the ridiculously long hiatus, what can I say, I'm a lazy person.

To help me be less lazy, I have enlisted the cooperative help and assisstance from my good friend Joe. He is a fellow film student with me and holds many of the same ideals and attitudes towards film that I do. He first article is to follow shortly.

In greater news, I have a lot of pent up film and music related rage and praise which is sure to spill out soon, so keep your eyes peeled. Also, we now have a Twitter. Add us up you fuckers.

Laterz.